EXCLUSIVE: HP Releases High Priority Internal Memo on Shift in Corporate Policies [Humor]
You may recall HP CEO Leo Apotheker’s recent BBC interview where he stated he wanted HP to be at the same level of “cool” as Apple. To that end, our informant from within HP has leaked to us an internal memo addressing all HP employees from Mr. Apotheker himself, outlining a paradigm shift in HP corporate policy. The opening line says it all:
“Effective immediately, cool is now mandatory at HP.”
Rather than bog you down with the minutia of corporate lingo and procedure stated in the twenty-four page memo, we’ll provide you with the highlights:
- Employees are required to wear monogrammed Lacoste polos every Monday. Untucked. Pastel colors encouraged.
- On Wednesday, February 3rd at 3:00pm PST, employees will be required to watch Grease three times in succession. A five page report on ‘Emulating Danny Zuko’ is due a week later.
- A Top Gun style volleyball tournament will be held each Friday, weather permitting.
- Secret handshakes and random high fives are encouraged.
- All company vehicles will be Honda Civics with 4 inch mufflers, F1 style spoilers, and neon underbody kits.
- Flames will be painted on all mid-to-high level executives’ vehicles.
- HP will implement a new calisthenics program in the mornings in the Japanese style. All sessions will conclude with a “Stanky leg” dance.
- Beige is out. Teal is in.
- All corporate background music, ads, and otherwise promotional material will be played exclusively by Flock of Seagulls.
- Tech support outsourced overseas will be required to answer all service calls with “whazaaaaaaap!” and end all calls with “webOS is so fly like a G6.”
- Big hair is encouraged in both genders and all races.
- All HP announcements (starting with the one on February 9th) will be made by Henry “The Fonz” Winkler.
- All corporate rank will be signified by number of propped collars. Leo gets 6 (see pic), Executive VPs and CTOs get 5… grunts get 1.
- The word “beeotch” is now a term of endearment among employees and no longer grounds for sexual harassment. “Dawg” may also be used.
- Muzak versions of Good Vibrations, Shaft, and Eye of the Tiger will play on endless loop in all corporate centers.
- All webOS devices will feature more cowbell.
That’s all we could glean from this top-secret document, folks. Because you guys are all such cool cats, what else do you think HP should do? Let ‘em know in the comment section below!
[Thanks Butterscotch for the tip...]
